Working with Type Four in Therapy

Enneagram Type Four, also known as “The Individualist” or “The Romantic” are introspective, emotionally attuned, sensitive, and driven by a desire to be authentic. They tend to long for an idealized experience as well as experience real or imagined disconnection or abandonment, which leads them to believe that something important is missing and seek to reclaim it by being unique.

Their patterns include a push-pull habit of noticing the negative in the present and the positive of the past or what is yet to come, envying what they idealize but might not be attainable, using introjection to hold things inside, and use moodiness, dissatisfaction, or disappointment to control others. In unhealth, they begin to wallow in their unmet needs while believing they are not knowable to themselves or others, fall into patterns of inaction, longing for what’s missing, and withdrawing, yet ever-longing, to be seen and understood for who they are.

The goals of therapy should include encouraging Fours to not be overrun by their emotions and to appreciate what is positive in the present. Growth is indicated when Fours reclaim wholeness, express gratitude for what is here-and-now, embrace ordinariness, and embody their real-life experience, rather than over-indulging in their story about what is happening to them or what is not happening for them.

Core Messaging & Key Characteristics

Lost Childhood Message: “You are seen for who you are.”

Wounding Message: “Something is wrong with me. I’m too much.”

Wounding Message Development: The world can abandon me and leave me with important things missing. I can regain the ideal life by finding the love, situation, or purpose that is unique, special, and fulfilling.

Grounding Message: “You are seen and loved for who you are.”

Wants/Needs: Deep and complete connection to all things
Basic Fear: Of having no identity or personal significance
Basic Need: To be special or unique and avoid ordinariness

Values: Originality, Authenticity, Connection, Individuality, Creativity, Sensitivity, Introspection

Motivations: To express themselves and their individuality, to maintain certain feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, and attract a rescuer

At Their Best:  Inspiring, highly creative, intuitive, able to renew the self, self-disciplined, present

Strengths: Idealistic, sensitive, attuned to feelings, empathetic (especially to others’ suffering), compassionate, creative in a deeply personal way, capable of emotional depth, appreciative to what’s unique and singular, and passionate

Challenges: Moody, withdrawn, uncooperative, self-conscious, dramatic, temperamental, unsatisfied, envious of others, melancholic, and self-absorbed

Mental Habit: Attention goes to what’s missing, the longed-for ideal, and woundedness

Emotional Habit: Distress at feeling deficient or disappointed

Emotional Survival Strategy: I reject my present reality, focus on what I believe is missing, and live my life in fantasy

Patterns of Behavior

Patterns listed below are based on average to below average levels of functioning within the Type, which is typical for clients entering therapy. Behaviors may vary from client to client, so it’s appropriate not to assume every client displays all of these behaviors.

• Hold onto feelings for a long time before getting free of them
• Notice the negative in the present and the positive of the past or what is yet to come
• Find it very difficult to get past their feelings in order to take action or resolve issues
• Finding themselves and being true to their feelings is primary, which may limit functionality
• Express envy for what they idealize but what might be unattainable
• Show an intolerance for ordinariness; alternately pining for the ideal experience
• Use introjection to lessen pain and loss and hold things inside
• Use moodiness, dissatisfaction, and disappointment to control others and the environment
• Feel alone or lonely even when surrounded by close others
• Tend to withdraw when they feel criticized or misunderstood
• Tend to resist rules or meeting the expectations of others
• Often highly intuitive due to their emotional sensitivity and attunement to others
• Tend to spend a lot of time in their imagination and fantasy
• May long for someone to “rescue” them from their longing or struggle
• May receive feedback from others that they are self-absorbed or temperamental
• Critical over others’ lack of awareness of their sensitivities or emotionality
• Resentful when they believe others do not appreciate their depth
• Attempt to punish others by withdrawing emotionally, verbally, or physically
• Prone to inaction, preferring instead to process their feelings first

• Their narrative of dissatisfaction makes relationships difficult and often frustrates their partners
• Tend to forget that balancing their focus on what is here-and-now with what’s missing can strengthen their relationships and make them more appealing to partners
• Persistent and intense emotional states can overwhelm their partners and push them away
• Find it difficult to contain feelings until then they can be expressed calmly and in a way that is not confusing or overwhelming for others
• May idealize partners such that they become discouraged from never being able to meet their idealized expectations and eventually feeling not enough for them
• Contribute to their own dissatisfaction, disappointment, and disillusionment in the relationship by holding partners hostage to their positive projections of a “perfect partner”
• Partners may report difficulty with sustained connection in response to their dissatisfaction
• Fear of intimacy due to a sensitivity to rejection co-exists with an insatiable longing for it
• Fear of rejection culminates in a confusing “come-here, go away” dynamic with their partner
• Focus on what’s missing gets replaced with romanticism, rather than focusing on what’s already there and appreciating partners as they truly are
• Believe there’s something about them will cause others to reject them once it’s discovered
• Unhealthy sense of self (low esteem) makes it hard for them to fully show up in relationship
• Over-focusing on inadequacies makes it difficult for them to cope in life and relationships
• Preoccupation with partners in order to stay connected may culminate in codependency